How to Make Love to a Married Man (Your Husband)

When talking with married men -- men in their 20s, 30s and 40s -- it's clear that what they like and want from sex changes as their marriages mature. There is a progression to the way they think about lovemaking. These transitions can be

gradual, surprising both husband and wife when stumbled upon, or they can be sudden, transforming their lovemaking into something remarkable and new. Here's a peek at the evolution of male sexual pleasure, of what deepens and endures in a man's bed and head even as wedding anniversaries pass.

 

The Elements of His Desire
What makes your husband desire you year after year, when he's so used to seeing you walk around naked? "It's true, I don't feel the same spontaneous need to lunge at my wife the second I see skin," jokes Peter, 33, married for five years. "But I do still feel it when she's by the mirror brushing her hair or wearing one of the dresses I like best. And if she's in lingerie, she'd better hope our baby starts crying or the telephone rings, because I consider that an open taunt.

"And there are still plenty of things we do to feel amorous," Peter continues. "I love it when she calls me at work and tells me I have something to look forward to later. My desire percolates all day." Indeed, after some time together, couples learn that making love doesn't start 15 minutes before it ends. It can start during the day, when you're still miles apart but your thoughts have begun to converge. Planning a date is often the surest way to refocus energy onto each other.

"Some of us think of making a date for sex with a spouse as a mechanical thing," says Michael A. Perelman, Ph.D., a psychologist specializing in sex and marital therapy. "We place too much of a premium on spontaneous sexual activity. Yet part of a healthy sex life is planning time for intimacy whether or not it leads to sex -- although it's likely it will."

Other than job stress, most men say that nagging is the only sure throttler of desire. "There's nothing worse than getting into bed and having my wife ask me if I've filled the ice tray," says Kevin, 29. "Unless, of course, she has specific plans for the cubes."

The longer you're married, the more dampening complaints are to a man's libido. Even small criticisms carry the weight of baggage. As Rowan, 43, explains: "It's impossible to think about sex and a leaky roof at the same time. But I've also learned that if my wife goes from just mentioning the roof to complaining about how come I haven't fixed it yet, that kills my desire for the next few hours." And since timing is often everything, why chance wasting a good moment?

The level of intimacy you've attained through the years together has a solidifying effect on a man's level of interest -- and attraction. In essence, the fact that he wanted you once makes him want you now. Lust wanes, but love waxes right along with it. "Men are much more tolerant of normal changes than women might think," says New York sex therapist Eva Margolies, author of Undressing the American Male. "Sexual bonding has a lot of components -- emotions, time spent together, past positive sex experiences. Frequently I hear men saying, 'I think my wife is sexier or more beautiful than when I first met her.' And the wife will be thinking, 'I feel too old or unattractive to be really sexy.'"

The message is: That's not the case.

What Gets Him Aroused

"My arousal is a reflection of my wife's level of interest," says William, 40, married for eight years. "The more she's aroused, the more effort she puts into it. My only complaint is that there were playful things she used to do when we were getting to know each other, like the way she'd fondle my penis and call it by a pet name. But now it's a pet nobody wants to walk. So what I miss are the things that once made me breathe heavily that she's stopped doing."

One key to maintaining, and improving upon, your husband's level of arousal: Make sure monogamy and monotony don't become synonymous. As Dr. Perelman says, the trick for a married couple is to maintain a degree of novelty, by providing variety in activity, location and type of stimulation.

"I used to worry that sex with my wife would become stale, but it hasn't, even after six years of marriage," says Michael, 34. "I like having sex with the same woman just as I like breathing the same air. How much she arouses me doesn't have anything to do with how long we've been together -- it has to do with my level of trust." Michael says that for the first time ever he's willing to reveal his fantasies, and that together they've acted some of them out: "She's my wife. She loves me. We have a baby together. I'm not worried she's going to use anything I reveal against me."

If desire steeps through a day of anticipation, arousal usually arrives in an uncalculated instant. It can be the result of a word said or the flutter of a hemline. Whether it's your hemline doesn't matter. "Most men know their wives won't appreciate their drooling over anyone else," Dr. Perelman observes. "But if you notice your husband glancing at another woman, and you have the self-confidence and maturity to ask, 'Was there something in particular you liked about her look?' you can use that as an opportunity to learn more about what's sexy for him."

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After all, arousal in its barest form isn't about anything other than sex. "What's great about my wife is if I see a woman who I think is hot, her attitude is, 'That woman turned you on, but I'm the one who's going to reap the benefits,'" says Frank, 38, married for nine years. "And when she takes that approach, that gets me even more aroused."

The Importance of Foreplay

"Some women feel diminished by the fact that a man doesn't get an erection as soon as she takes her clothes off like he used to," says Stuart Kantor, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in New York. But, just as most women need to be touched to become aroused, that becomes true for men, too, and the change has nothing to do with our desire for our wife -- or even with the length of time married. "Starting in his 30s, it's perfectly normal for a man to need direct genital stimulation to get and keep an erection," says Margolies.

Most men respond well to oral contact. "I've always liked having my wife use her mouth on my penis, but now I find that sometimes I really need it if we want to have sex and I don't have an erection," says Adam, 35, married for eight years. The best technique for oral sex? Opinions vary. What's important is the effort -- with sex, enthusiasm can be just as important as technique.

For many men, foreplay for them is also foreplay for you. There's pleasure to lavishing attention on their wives' bodies, a joy to seeing smooth flesh turn into goose bumps. "I'm always amazed if my wife pushes me away when I try to use my mouth on her," marvels Douglas. "She misses the point when she says, 'You don't have to do that.' I know I don't have to. I want to, and I like to. Even if she's already excited, I still want to do it because it focuses my mind on the sex, so that when we get to the intercourse, I enjoy it that much more."

The trick is to remember it's called foreplay. No man likes to feel that being stroked is a chore. "Sex is supposed to be fun," says one. "For instance, my wife and I think it's funny to have a 5-month-old baby in the next room and be telling each other, 'I wish you were bent over the couch.' It makes us laugh. But it also turns us on."

The Act of Sex

Many men find that experimenting with positions, styles and acts takes on a new importance as they age. They say that variation not only keeps them aroused, but it satisfies different cravings. "I love my wife all the time," says Henry, 34, married for five years. "But love isn't always what's on my mind when we have sex. The sex act has to reflect my mood if it's going to be good. Usually that means intercourse, but it doesn't have to be -- it can start and end with oral sex or with one of us masturbating while the other watches. And when we have intercourse, there's loving sex, with candles and wine, but there's also frenetic sex, with biting and sweat. What I've realized as I've gotten older is I don't have to choose between them. I can have both."

A lot of men say that after some pro forma experimentation with different positions, nothing suits them better than conventional sex. "I used to get hard fantasizing about all sorts of things, but now I find that when I call my wife from work, and tell her how much I love her, that often gives me an erection," says Paul, 41. "Look, life is hectic, so when we have the chance to make love, we want to focus on the loving before we bother with the wild stuff. The wild stuff is all supplemental. The core -- what makes our sex hard-core -- is being in bed, and kissing her, and having her pull me inside her like she wants to share as much of herself with me as she can. I don't care if this all sounds corny. It's true."

Better sex isn't necessarily wilder sex, after all. "There are things you can do to spice up sex once in a while," says Dr. Perelman. "But that's what it is, once in a while. Sex doesn't have to be hotter and hotter for it to make you happy."

The Secret to His Orgasm

"You know what gets me really hot?" Martin asks. "That I have a better idea now, at age 33, what the woman wants. And I don't mean in general. I mean my wife. I know how to please her. And seeing her lose all control when she has an orgasm is what sends me careening over the edge. It's like the two of us are attached to either end of a rope."

One point of agreement among men of all ages is that the less frequently they have sex, the more each experience means. The orgasm may be the same, but its arrival is twice as appreciated. "Sex used to be about getting laid when I was in my 20s," says Jerry, 38. "But now sex is about making love. And an orgasm is the most intimate thing I can share with my wife. It's something the two of us can do together that no one else on this planet will ever see."

On a physical level, men need the same thing they have needed all along to ejaculate: consistent stimulation. As you get older, that stimulation and friction may be harder to provide through intercourse, particularly if you've given birth. Kegel exercises can help keep your vaginal muscles toned.

Experts also recommend experimenting with positions: Many men find rear entry provides more friction. And you can provide additional stimulation by holding the base of the penis with your hand during penetration. "The best thing about experimenting is it forces us to talk about what's successful and what's not," says Henry. "My wife knows specifically what I like because I tell her. I suppose I could say that honesty is the best aphrodisiac."

As another man puts it, "When my wife tries a new move or position she's asked me about, she reminds me we're not done exploring -- whether it's our bodies, each other, our love or our sexuality."

What He Likes After Sex

Recent statistics released by the University of Chicago reveal an important fact: Married men, and not their single counterparts, are the most physically and emotionally fulfilled when it comes to sex. Says Alex, 44, married for 10 years: "Maybe some of the crazy lust has dissipated, but the love has expanded and become more profound. So the feelings of sharing have never been stronger than in the moments that follow sex. That's when I think to myself, 'This is what sex is all about.'"

Which isn't to say that both men and women don't complain of spouses who get out of bed too quickly to wash up, or go back to chores, or turn on the TV, or roll over and fall asleep. "I love my kids, but I hate when my wife talks about them after sex," says Jason, 33, married for six years. "I'd prefer it if she focused on us." Aaron, 38, who's been married for eight years, says he now unplugs the television set when he and his wife make love so they can't watch TV right afterward.

For many men, the loss of an erection after sex can also beckon the loss of a bond, a shrinking and even shirking away. Want some useless words of advice? Try not to take it personally. If your husband's haste to jump out of bed upsets you, therapists recommend looking at the act of lovemaking as a process that can start as early as dressing for dinner and not conclude until you're both emotionally ready to end your intimacy. "The word postcoital implies there's something that happens before and something that happens after, and that there is an it," says Margolies. "But there isn't a beginning, a middle and an end. All there is is a whole."

His Sexual Profile at...

25
In their 20s, most men can have sex several times a day, no problem. In fact, they only need a few minutes after an orgasm before they're ready again. "Very little foreplay is necessary -- younger men have a great capacity to achieve a spontaneous erection just thinking about sex," says New York clinical psychologist Stuart Kantor, Ph.D. The most common sex problem of this age: premature ejaculation.

35
Foreplay becomes an absolute must for a man in his 30s: "You may need to set aside at least half an hour to cultivate his arousal," says Redbook Online's sex therapist, Jane Greer, Ph.D. And don't panic if your husband's ability to sustain an erection begins to wane. "It's perfectly normal -- it just means you might have to stimulate him manually or orally for about 15 to 20 minutes before proceeding."

The benefits of this age: "He's learned to last longer and concentrate more on the woman's pleasure," says Dr. Kantor.

45
"For many men in their 40s, it takes several hours after an orgasm before they're capable of another," says psychologist Michael A. Perelman, Ph.D. As visual arousal becomes minimal, women need to start initiating sex and stimulating the penis orally or manually almost 100 percent of the time. "What's important to remember," says Dr. Perelman, "is that these changes are a normal process of aging and vary with each individual."