Because Sometimes You Feel Like Lovemaking…And Sometimes You Feel Like F*cking

 Sex is a lot like going out to dinner: Sometimes you feel like a burger, other times you're craving pad thai. We asked sexologist Jessica O'Reilly, PhD, founder of sexwithdrjess.com how to channel whatever you're hungry for, whether it's slow and sensual, or do-me-now dirty.

By Molly Triffin

The Mood-Setter

Lovemaking: Romantic sex is 90 percent seduction and 10 percent execution. To set the stage, up the flirting ante a couple of days earlier by being extra affectionate (lots of kissing, exchanging sweet texts) and teasing him in a sensual, not sexual, way—ask him to give you a massage or let your fingers linger on his thigh during a movie—but hold off on actually sealing the deal. The night of,
remember that lighting is everything; a soft glow is not only physically flattering, but it also sets a languid tone. Arrange some candles or toss a sheer scarf over your lamp.

F*cking: Let him know you're in the mood to get wicked by dressing in a hot outfit that's totally out of character, from thigh-high boots to nipple tassels. Also, break up the routine by wearing a new perfume or hairstyle. Anything out of the ordinary triggers arousal by awakening his prefrontal cortex, the same spot in the brain that lights up during sex play.

The Kissing

Lovemaking: It's all about the rhythm, and the key is to go sloooowww. When you're turned on, your movements naturally speed up; taking things down a notch emphasizes the soulfulness of sex, plus it allows your nerve endings to react to the sensation in new, exciting ways. Begin with gentle, sweet pecks on the lips before moving on to deep French kissing.

F*cking: Get a little rough, like holding onto the back of his head as you press his lips into yours and digging your fingernails into his scalp a little, grinding your hips against him while making out, or biting his lower lip.

The Undressing

Lovemaking: Instead of removing your own clothes, take time undressing one another—undo every button, carefully unzip his pants, have him deliberately unclasp your bra. Kiss and stroke the just-revealed spot before moving on to the next.

F*cking: Channel an untamed vibe by pulling his hair, grabbing his crotch, or having him squeeze your ass as you tear off each other's clothes.

The Props

Lovemaking: To make sex super intimate, focus on magnifying every sensation. A good way to do this is by restricting one sense, which in turn heightens the others. Try playing with blindfolds, taking turns treating the blindfolded person to languorous oral sex, a massage, or sultry surprises—like him drizzling warm water over your breasts and then slowly licking it up.

F*cking: The options are practically endless. Handcuffs: The sensation of cold metal conveys the ultimate in S&M wickedness. Lock him to the bed, tease him like crazy, and tell him he has to beg for it before you'll set him free. A flogger: Have him (lightly) smack your butt during doggy-style sex. A video camera: It'll feel like you're making a naughty porno. (Afterwards—delete, delete, delete!)

The Pillow Talk

Lovemaking: Whisper phrases that emphasize your connection. Try, "You're the only one for me," or "I'll never want anyone but you."

F*cking: To underline the carnal aspect of sex, tell him, "I'm gonna give it to you good."

The Details

Lovemaking: Many of the lovey-dovey actions couples do during foreplay (stroking each other's face, kissing, holding hands, etc.) fall by the wayside once you're actually getting it on. Incorporating those sweet moves during sex increases intimacy.

F*cking: It's all about letting go of inhibitions, so don't hesitate to touch yourself (hello, multi-orgasm!), stroke his perineum or backdoor, or make some noise.

The Positions

Lovemaking: Opt for those that maximize body contact, emphasize a rocking motion rather than thrusting, and let you gaze in each other's eyes—like The Soft Rock, The Tight Squeeze, or Straddle His Saddle.

F*cking: Spank Me Maybe offers an opportunity kinky extras like hair pulling and butt smacking; Mission Control is perfect if you're craving some bondage action; Peep Showgives him a naughty view.

The Orgasm

Lovemaking: Make your climax more soulful by making eye contact while you come, and breathing slow and deep.

F*cking: Getting messy makes sex feel badass—have him finish on your breasts; or reach down, touch yourself, and then put your finger inside his mouth.

The Afterplay

Lovemaking: To maximize post-sex bonding, nothing beats the classic spoon. Get into this cozy position and then match your breath to his.

F*cking: Grab him by the face and say, "That was so hot." Reinforce it with a lusty text later on: You're so good, I'd pay for it.